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Episode #3: Hogs & Kisses Farm Animal Sanctuary

Episode 7 (Self-Empowerment Coaching System)

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27 Oct 2020

Empowerment, Podcast

Tags: emotional health, empowerment, happiness, healthy vegan lifestyle, overwhelm

A New Approach to Goal-Setting (EP 29: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

When people set a goal, the reason they set that goal is usually because they are unhappy with where they currently are.

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

People often believe that happiness is on the other side of reaching certain goals. “Once I reach that goal of losing 20 pounds, then I’ll be happy,” or, “When I get that promotion, then I’ll be happy.”

Setting goals in the traditional way comes from a place of scarcity and unfulfillment. In this episode we offer a different perspective on goals… The idea that goals are fantastic tools for progressing on our life’s journey in a positive and powerful way, but only when they come from a place of abundance and acceptance.

On last week’s episode we discussed how happiness is not created in the past or found in the future. Happiness is within all of us right now. It’s a matter of developing the tools that you need to unlock or unleash the joy that you’re capable of in this very moment. And that’s a powerful thing. So, what can goals set from a place of abundance do for us?

Goals set from a place of abundance can empower us, motivate us, and create self-confidence. They can help us align our actions with our values.

On the other hand, when we set goals from a place of scarcity, we may feel shameful, not good enough as we are right now.

Goals coming from a place of scarcity can cause us to compare ourselves to others, which can in turn, bring on anxiety. We can start judging ourselves and feel a sense of disappointment, thinking, “I’m not good enough,” and “What I have is not enough”.

No matter what, goal-setting brings up obstacles, fears, and limiting beliefs, right? We start to think about all the things that are standing in our way. The Self-Empowerment Coaching System we’re always talking about, is a tool that will allow you to deal with these feelings and thoughts and recognize the opportunity for growth in any given situation.

Without the self-coaching tools, goals can actually get you stuck… Stuck in your own head, stuck in your fears, and/or stuck in your limiting beliefs.

Stephanie told me about a realization she had after watching a post I did from Santa Marta, Columbia, in which I talked about doing a handstand on some rocks. She shared with me the thoughts and feelings that came up for her when she saw my post.

Stephanie’s immediate reaction was to start to compare herself to me. She was able, however, to take a step back, become the observer, and look at the situation in a different light. She realized that doing a handstand is not a goal of hers. It’s not something that she is wanting to work towards. Doing a handstand is not something that’s in her vision of what a successful, happy life looks like for her. And that’s okay.

We all have different goals. We have different visions of what success means to us. Stephanie knew that she had reached the place where she could see my post and appreciate the skill and strength it takes to do a handstand, without diminishing her own growth or feelings of success. She was able to start appreciating her own body and her own accomplishments.

To practice the goal-setting process from a place of abundance, I encourage you to do this exercise: Take out a piece of paper and make a list of 6 things that you want to accomplish, whether that’s in the next month, the next year, or in five years. Don’t worry about the timeframe, just make a list of six things that you want, big or small. They should be things that you want and believe you can, with the right steps, accomplish.

Now I want you to pick one of the things that you listed and fine tune it. Make it into a measurable goal with a timeframe.

Now, see what emotions come up. Do you have limiting beliefs that come up surrounding the goal? Are you feeling some doubt or fear that you could fail? These are all normal emotions that can come up when we set goals. That doesn’t mean you’re coming from a place of scarcity though. It means that it’s time to utilize the self-coaching tools so you can coach yourself through the fears and self-doubt.

Write down your limiting thoughts on your paper. Observe the emotions that come. Now take a moment to transport yourself mentally to the place where the goal has already been accomplished. Visualize that reality.

Now look back at the thoughts you wrote down and address them from a place of the goal having already been achieved. Again, transport yourself to the place where that goal is already achieved. You’ve achieved that goal, and now you’re looking back on yourself now and looking at those thoughts and how you addressed them. What would you tell yourself now that you’ve already completed and achieved that goal?

The next step is to create an action plan. Again, put yourself in that place where you’ve already achieved that goal. Tell yourself how you got there. How did you achieve that goal?

What were the big steps that you took? For each big step, break it down into actionable tasks. Take yourself through the process of reaching and achieving and completing that goal from the place of already having completed it.

You may be pretty blown away with the wisdom you have. Everything is “figure-outable.” We just have to believe in ourselves!

We’d love to hear your goals in our Empowered Life Group on Facebook (free), and of course in Vegan Life Coach Academy for our Academy members.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Episode 7 (Self-Empowerment Coaching System)

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20 Oct 2020

Empowerment, Podcast

Tags: emotional health, empowerment, happiness, healthy vegan lifestyle, overwhelm

The Search for Happiness (EP 28: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

All to often we think, “I’ll be happy when…”

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

There is a misconception that we can find happiness outside of ourselves… That happiness is waiting for us in the future when we have accomplished certain things, or have met certain goals.

The truth of the matter is that that we have to be in charge of our own happiness. Happiness doesn’t happen to us or for us. Happiness is not a future state. If we tie our happiness to a certain weight, to a way that we want to look, or the goals we wish to accomplish, we give away the inherent power we all have to CHOOSE happiness NOW.

If you say to yourself, “I’ll be happy when I’ve lost 20 pounds, or when I’ve successfully ran a marathon, or found the man of my dreams,” you will always be chasing happiness.

There’s a quote, and I’m not sure who to credit it to, but it goes something like, “Beware of destination addiction or preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.”

Here’s the deal though: You really have to be willing to dig in. Even when you get to the place where you think, “I should be seeing some results by now,”

By digging in, and practicing the Self-Empowerment Coaching System (episodes 4 and 7) we teach at Vegan Life Coach Academy, you will be shocked to discover things you didn’t know you didn’t know.

If you embrace the idea that happiness is NOW, and that you are worth learning to love yourself before you lose a pound, then you’ve really earned the golden ticket.

We’re not saying that loving yourself now means you have to stay the way that you are physically. We’re saying that learning to shift your mindset away from a place of depravity and restriction, which is ultimately a place of punishment, is key. The diet culture has taught us to punish ourselves, despite the fact that restriction leads us to sabotage our results over and over again.

When you come from a place of love however, the outcome is completely different. From a place of love you choose to go for that run because you care about strengthening your body and want to be healthy and fit. You reach for the fruits and veggies because you love yourself enough to provide your body with the best nutrition. You buy the highest quality supplement that you know makes your body sing because you value your healthy, and it may be a little pricier than you’d like, but you know that that is sourced from a place that’s pure, and you make the decision out of love for yourself and your body.

Developing unconditional love for yourself is a game changer. It takes work to get to the place where you love yourself so much you’re dangerous, as Brene Brown says. And the work is well worth the outcome, which is that your body trusts you enough to get to the place where it’s supposed to be…

It is from a place of self-love that the excess weight, excess fat that you’re carrying is going to melt off, just like the excess weight that you’re carrying emotionally is going to disappear. You’re going to be learning to deal with your inner critic head on, and then you will be making healthy choices out of love for your body, not as punishment.

You are worth this fight. You are worth being, “all in,” committed to this process because ultimately, where this process is going to take you, is a place of complete and total freedom. It’s going to give you the opportunity to choose happiness in the moment, because you know it’s available to you right here, right now. .

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Episode 4

Episode 7

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13 Oct 2020

Empowerment, Podcast

Tags: emotional health, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, overwhelm

Overcoming Overwhelm (EP 27: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

When we get to a state of overwhelm, it goes beyond being busy. It’s when you get to the point where you are being controlled by your thoughts and it feels like life is happening TO you. It can be debilitating!

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

In this episode we look at some actual steps you can take to prevent or reverse becoming overwhelmed…

1- Start giving yourself permission to say “NO” (Stop saying yes to shit you don’t want to do)!

Remember our training on people-pleasing? When saying, “yes” will take you into a state of overwhelm, you must learn to say no. Consequences are worse than if you say, “it’s easier if I just do it then if I say no”… Leads to resentment, overwhelm, being pissy to people you care about (“taking it out” on family). And when you’ve said yes to more things than you can handle, the quality of what you’re doing declines… a lot of things get accomplished half-assed.

And remember where people-pleasing is rooted… In a lack of self-worth (feel guilty when put yourself first).

2- Eliminate unhelpful, self-imposed rules for yourself.

“Rules” which are different than commitments. Rules are inflexible. They do not take into consideration changes in circumstances. Part of the “all or nothing” mindset. Rules like, I have to attend every one of my daughter’s swim meets. Well that’s an awesome thing to want to do, and you certainly can make the commitment to attend your daughter’s swim meets, but maybe you’re studying for an important exam and you have to choose between studying and giving yourself a shot at an A, or going to your daughter’s 3rd swim meet of the week. Well maybe you ask her dad to be there this time so you can stay out of overwhelm.

3- Prioritize Self-Care

How do you recharge (this looks different for everyone)? Down time, being alone, being around positive people (extrovert), reading, working out, sexy, meditation, going out on dates, bubble bath, etc.) Pick 1 thing you can do this week to take better care of yourself (addition to your morning or nighttime routine) that will make the biggest difference and make the commitment!

4- Prevent unimportant things that feel urgent distract you from what’s actually important.

Often times things are presented in such a way that they feel urgent. And when something feels urgent, we tend to automatically bump it to the top of our priority lists. Boss, friends, family/kids, can bring the drama and that’s when we let their drama override our other commitments (usually the ones we make to ourselves).

How to prevent: Run it through the test – Eliminate, Delegate, Postpone

Can you eliminate the task all together?
Can you delegate the task to someone else?
Can you postpone the task to revisit later (different from procrastinating)?
Create solid systems to help you stay out of overwhelm through organization. Personally Trello has been the tool that is saving me (before that it way sticky notes and to-do lists that did not give me a system and made it so things often had to get to the place of urgency in order for them to take priority. Set up systems for even the simplest tasks like taking out the garbage, walking the dog, laundry… figure out what you can delegate.
First thing to schedule into your week is planning time to organize your upcoming week, figure out what might overwhelm you, and creating a plan.

5- Ask for help! Or at least accept people’s offers!

An unwillingness to do this has to do with a lack of self-worth or inflated ego. When you choose to stay in overwhelm, you’re choosing to play the victim (I said this to myself on Sunday!) Accept and be grateful. Think about it as giving others an opportunity to give… and when people give, they get back. And you know you’ll pass the favor along when you’re in a position to do so.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

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Have a question you’d like us to answer, or feedback you’d like to give us (we love hearing from you!)? Leave us a voice (or written) message HERE.

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06 Oct 2020

Tags: boundaries, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, vegan fitness, vegan protein, weight loss

Practical Tips for Busy People to Eat More Whole Foods (EP 26: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

Christin McKamey is the owner of VeggieChick.com, a site dedicated to whole food, plant-based recipes with a strong focus on the world of produce.

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

Christin creates delicious veggie-focused plant-based recipes (with many oil-free and gluten-free options), as well as offering tips and tools to help others live and maintain a plant-powered lifestyle.

She has a Plant-Based Nutrition certification from e-Cornell, a certification from the Forks Over Knives Rouxbe Cooking School, and has also attended Vegan Fusion plant-based cooking classes. Christin lives in Royal Oak, Michigan with her husband and cat, Chloe.

Here is a summary of what was discussed in this podcast episode:

Batch Cooking Tips– things I do to ensure success for the week. Note: I don’t always do this, but when I do, I do find I make healthier choices.
- Grocery shopping on Saturday, prepping a couple hours on Sunday
- Things I do during prepping:
  - Wash, dry and chop vegetables; place in airtight, sealed containers.
  - Chop veggies that are versatile in many dishes, such as bell peppers, mushrooms, and onions.
  - Soak nuts and seeds if required.
  - Marinate tempeh or tofu.
  - Make a couple of versatile dips or dressings that will last in the refrigerator for a few days.
  - Freeze grains- portion into 1 or 2 cup portions and freeze in freezer bags or containers.
- Decide a few ways you can make multiple dishes with the same ingredients. I love making what I call multi-way bowls (see more info below), soups, salads, tacos, chili, etc. You can also do a stir-fry or a salad bar.

Time Saving Techniques
- Always read recipes once or twice to make sure you have everything before going to the grocery store. Some recipes might be missing an ingredient in the ingredients list that is listed in the directions instead.
- Plan your route at the grocery store. Once you create your shopping list, put things in order of where they are located in the store.
- Stock your kitchen with simple bulk ingredients to use in a pinch, such as all types of grains, dried beans, pasta, spaghetti sauce, frozen and canned vegetables. Think of a few meals you can make for dinner throughout the week and how you can use some of those same ingredients in other recipes.
- Add veggies to everything! I try to make sure every meal I have, has at least 2 (and most of the time many more) veggies. Onions, peppers, and mushrooms are very versatile.
- Don’t like veggies? Try a new vegetable every week (or month).
- Batch cooking can save a ton of time! Chop veggies or prepare grains in advance. Make variations of salads with different toppings, etc. Freeze scraps of veggies and make homemade veggie broth. Pick one day for grocery shopping, another for prepping. Setting aside 90 minutes-2 hours per week is all you need to save yourself tons of time during the week.
- Make double or triple the amount the recipe calls for. You can enjoy it for at least a couple meals, or have a healthy lunch the next day. Pack away your lunch immediately after dinner and you’ll be all set.
- Experiment with one-pot meal recipes. It makes life a lot easier when you only have one pan to wash. These types of dishes also tend to freeze and reheat well. You can even label with cooking instructions to make it easier for you or your family to reheat.
- Easy smoothie prep: add fruit, veggies, etc. to a blender and put in the fridge the night before. In the morning, all you have to do is take out the blender, add liquid, and blend.
- Serve your dinner in large glass containers (instead of serving bowls) so you can go straight from the table to the fridge. Less dishes.

And lastly, she has included 2 PDF’s to share…

Time-Saving Techniques- tips for saving time and making healthy choices in your kitchen.
Multi-Way Bowl– an easy option for meal ideas, and so versatile! Start with a grain. Add a protein if you want (lentils, tofu, seitan, beans, etc.). Add vegetables. And then top with a sauce. Add some toppings (nuts, seeds, etc.) Enjoy!

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

acebook.com/veggiechickrecipes/

twitter.com/VeggieChick7

instagram.com/veggie__chick/

pinterest.com/veggiechick7

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Have a question you’d like us to answer, or feedback you’d like to give us (we love hearing from you!)? Leave us a voice (or written) message HERE.

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29 Sep 2020

Tags: boundaries, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, vegan fitness, vegan protein, weight loss

10 Tips for Transitioning That Will Save Your Relationships (EP 25: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

If going vegan has put a strain on your current relationships or you want to avoid ruining your relationships as you transition to a vegan lifestyle these ten power tips are sure to help.

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

Going vegan and obtaining the support of friends and family is a common struggle for many who make the choice to live a vegan lifestyle. On last week’s episode Stephanie shared her story of going vegan and broke down the 5 stages that family and friends go through.

Today Stephanie is giving 10 tips for transitioning that will save your relationships. If going vegan has put a strain on your current relationships or you want to avoid ruining your relationships as you transition to a vegan lifestyle these ten power tips are sure to help.

Stephanie discuss these tips in depth in this episode:

Define your boundaries. Once Stephanie committed to veganism, she decided she was no longer going to or cook meat.
Talk about going vegan and answer questions. Stephanie decided to use a lot of I-statements to demonstrate that she was taking responsibility for her own choices. Often times talking about veganism can challenge the way people see themselves as ethical, whole, compassionate human beings. So she plans ahead for these moments when she will be asked questions.
Have a sense of humor. Because Stephanie is able to laugh at herself she believes that really rebunks that stereotype of the angry, raging vegan. And thus laughing about these things becomes easier for my family and for my relationships. Most vegans will be the victims of malicious jokes, Stepahnie says, but generally the people in our lives are really just poking fun.
Get educated about nutrition for yourself and your kids. And this is the right spot for you. This program was the foundation for Stepahnie’s nutritional metamorphosis for my family. There are tons of great cookbooks and resources out there. Getting educated about nutrition is not only good for you. It’s good for your kids. And it’s good for that mom guilt too. When Stephanie knows that what she’s putting in front of her kids is nutritionally sound, then she knows that without a shadow of a doubt that mom guilt can not creep in. And if it does, she can challenge it at every level.
Keep it simple. Especially if you’re cooking for a family. When Stephanie’s family got curious, she started with breakfast smoothies. Now everyone gets a smoothie for breakfast.
Stop preparing two completely different meals. You are not a restaurant. When Stephanie went vegan she started preparing one dish and it was always a vegan main dish. She was okay with them adding animal protein to the side themselves. but she stopped saying she was going to prepare what everybody’s dish was. She wasn’t a short order cook.
Veganize your favorite dishes. Stephanie suggests exploring new dishes with familiar flavors. One of her families favorites? Stir-frys, and mexican food.
Honor other people’s gestures and be flexible without compromising your values. Stephanie says to be appreciative of the steps that people take that might help you feel included and comfortable. Make a really big deal out of it. The one gesture Stephanie does that has never failed her? Telling her friends and family how much she loves to cook and offering to bring whatever they’d like her too.
Connect with other vegan families. Stephanie has a a great Facebook community in her local area that has meetups and suggest finding on in your local area to connect with others who are like-minded and whose beliefs are similar.
Promote vegan role models, especially if you have kids. Stephanie sees the importance to introduce her children to people that they can look up to in all aspects of their lives.

We hope these 10 tips are useful for you and your family. We encourage you to take an honest account of where you are in your own journey and where your loved ones might be in theirs. Accept where you’re powerless and challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening because that’s really where your power is in your own response to what’s going on around you. Use these tips as you transition to navigate the tough terrain of relationships with family and friends.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

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Have a question you’d like us to answer, or feedback you’d like to give us (we love hearing from you!)? Leave us a voice (or written) message HERE.

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22 Sep 2020

Tags: boundaries, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, vegan fitness, vegan protein, weight loss

Going Vegan: When Your Family or Friends Aren’t on Board (EP 24: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

Based on a recent survey we did with our listeners, going vegan without the support of your family or friends is a struggle that a lot of people share.

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

Based on a recent survey we did with our listeners, going vegan without the support of your family or friends is a struggle that a lot of people share.

My story is exceptional in that I knew when I was just 7 years old that eating animals was a hard “No.” It didn’t matter to me one bit that nobody I knew was vegetarian. At 15 I fully understood the suffering of all farm animals and went fully vegan and knew my purpose in life was to save animals. My compassion for animals ran so deep that ridicule was not a deterrence. (My family followed in my footsteps and went vegetarian and then vegan as well!)

Stephanie however, represents our listeners to a much higher level. In this episode, Stephanie shares her personal story, discussing what went down each of the 4 times she attempted to make the transition to a vegan lifestyle. It took 4 attempts before it stuck, and she has dissected the reasons why, all of which are likely to resonate with others in similar positions.

In short, here are the reasons:

Attempt #1: Stephanie’s family was quick to remind her that she was raised by farmers, and that her family’s background in farming was how she was afforded a comfortable upbringing. Family guilt!

Attempt #2: Stephanie’s Insecurity as a new mom, being told by others that her children would not thrive on a plant-based diet, led her to succumb to “mom-guilt!”

Attempt #3: Stephanie’s overall lack of self-confidence caused her to give into what was comfortable and safe. She wasn’t confident in her choices, and wasn’t able to counter the criticism and ridicule from others from a place of compassion and education.

Attempt #4 (Success!): Here are the self-realizations as to WHY Stephanie was successful…

Stephanie realized that her relationships are equally important as her life choices. She concluded that other’s thoughts and feelings about her choices are not important, BUT her relationships ARE important. This is a distinction that takes a lot of self-awareness and self-confidence!
Stephanie realized that she was the one changing the rules, so she was required to fuel her own progress with empathy toward the people in her life, giving up the idea of perfection in relationships. There were going to be tough conversations, and she was able to be assertive instead of aggressive.
She was able to embrace a vegan lifestyle with the consideration of being the caretaker of her three kiddos. She was able to set boundaries and not succumb to handle her “mom guilt.” She had to step back and explore her conflicting feelings with, as we say in VLCA, approach her thoughts with curiosity and compassion. From that place she has been able to navigate the changing dynamics within her family.
Stephanie made the transition solely about herself. She went vegan in “stealth mode,” didn’t make a big announcement until she had established her vegan lifestyle with confidence.

Once she felt good about her own journey, Stephanie started sharing her new lifestyle with her family and friends.

In doing so, she noticed that most of the time, people she told went through 5 stages. The stages, which she describes in depth in the episode are:

Defiance
Resistance
Curiosity
Acceptance
Embracing

On our next episode, we’ll be sharing 10 powerful tips for going vegan without ruining your relationships in the process.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

CONNECT WITH US!

Grab the valuable gift we have for you HERE.

Have a question you’d like us to answer, or feedback you’d like to give us (we love hearing from you!)? Leave us a voice (or written) message HERE.

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15 Sep 2020

Tags: boundaries, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, vegan fitness, vegan protein, weight loss

Episode 17: Busyness | 5-Day Quick and Simple Whole Foods & Fitness Challenge | Vegan Life Coach Academy

Scale Obsession: How to Let Go Without Letting Yourself Go (EP 23: The Vegan Life Coach Podcast)

According to Harvard Health, for most dieters, preventing the pounds from coming back, after working so hard to lose them, is the biggest challenge. On average, people regain two-thirds of the weight that they’ve lost within two years.

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

One way people try to prevent gaining (or regaining) weight is through daily weigh-ins.

On one hand, this idea makes logical sense. When the number on the scale starts to increase, you know it’s time to tighten up the diet and/or hit the gym more. We hear clients say, “I’ve got to catch myself before my weight gets out of control.”

For some people, keeping a high level of awareness on small changes in their weight can be motivating… But at what mental and emotional cost? True health isn’t just about the number on the scale… It includes mental and emotional health too.

First off, one problem is that daily fluctuations in weight is normal and to be expected due to differences in water retention from one day to the next. People often interpret a one-pound weight gain as FAT gain, and freak out. The scale doesn’t differentiate the weight of bone, fluid, muscle and fat.

The number on the scale all too often dictates a person’s mood. So what is a normal variation in weight, can literally ruin someone’s day for no logical reason.

At Vegan Life Coach Academy we talk about “finding your why.”

Next time you get on the scale we challenge you to ask yourself, “Why?”

Your answer is going to come from one of two places:

FEAR. Fear of not being _____ enough. (Fill in the blank (e.g. skinny, pretty, etc.)
LOVE. Loving and respecting yourself and your body so much that you make conscious and mindful choices about what you put in your body and how you move your body. (Hint: If you self-sabotage you’re not embodying true self-love.)

In this episode we explore why your obsession with the scale is causing more harm than good. Why daily weigh-ins are setting you up to stay stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage. Why constantly worrying about your weight is likely a reflection of low self-worth and shame.

What if you could focus on eating and training out of love and respect for yourself and your body? I’ll tell you! You will eat healthy, whole foods and workout the right amount so that the pounds will take care of themselves.

No scale necessary!

We finish up with a challenge… Ditch your scale for an entire month and binge listen to the Vegan Life Coach Podcast!

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

CONNECT WITH US!

Grab the valuable gift we have for you HERE.

Have a question you’d like us to answer, or feedback you’d like to give us (we love hearing from you!)? Leave us a voice (or written) message HERE.

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08 Sep 2020

Stephanie Aguilar

Going Vegan Tips, Podcast, Vegan Fitness, Vegan Lifestyle

Tags: boundaries, empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, vegan fitness, vegan protein

Episode 21 | Vegan Life Coach Academy

Boundaries Part 2 (The Vegan Life Coach Podcast Episode 22)

If you haven’t listened to episode 21, part 1 of our 2-part series on boundaries, check it out HERE first!

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*Links mentioned in the episode are at the bottom of this page.

Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill. Unfortunately, it’s a skill that many of us didn’t necessarily learn growing up. We may have picked up a few pointers here or there, but in reality, it can be very challenging and feel really uncomfortable when we first begin setting those boundaries.

I have a few steps that will help get you started.

Step #1

First, look to your emotions to help you name your limits. Two really good indicators of boundary violations are discomfort and resentment. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you can likely point to a boundary being violated from the outside.

If you are feeling resentment, that is often an indicator that you have pushed yourself beyond your limit to avoid feelings of guilt, or you are giving in to someone imposing their expectations or views on you. You are responding by violating our own limits.

Step #2

Pay attention to your feelings and become clear about your own limits, both internally and externally. You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand.

Identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept, and identify what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings coupled with your understanding of your values help us identify what our limits are.

Take a moment to think of some examples of where your limits might be. For example, you may find that you are uncomfortable when your best friend asks you for money. This might be a mental and emotional limit that you are wanting to set with your friends and family. You do not lend money because everyone has a different philosophy when it comes to money, and it is something that tends to cause a lot of conflict, so that is your particular limit.

Another might be that you become stressed when your children have a lot of the neighborhood kids over. Maybe this is your line. Your children can play with the neighborhood kids in the yard or the garage but not in the house. This is an example of setting a physical boundary.

Maybe your partner expects you to take on the bulk of the responsibility for the household; however, this is something that you find impossible to do successfully. It is okay to set the boundaries for those areas that you are willing to take responsibility for and no more.

Step #3

The next step is to give yourself permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. When setting new boundaries, emotional pitfalls can cause us to wonder why we deserve to have boundaries in the first place. Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls.

It can feel strange when we start to set boundaries because we aren’t used to creating these limits. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. For example, many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” This can cause some self doubt… So much so that we might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

It’s important to keep going back to why you set the boundaries in the first place. Creating that line and holding to it creates a healthier you and healthier relationships in the long run.

Boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, ask yourself some questions…

What’s changed from when I set this limit? Consider the situation. “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What about this situation is making me resentful or uncomfortable or stressed?”

Then, examine your options: “What am I going to do about the situation?” “What do I have control over?”

You might also consider the roles you play, and commit to putting yourself as the leading role in your life. It is not only okay, but also necessary to put yourself first and to consider your needs just as important as the needs of others.

Prioritize self-care. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish… It is necessary for a healthy life. Putting yourself first also gives you the energy, peace of mind, and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there for them. When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.

Step #4

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, seek some support, whether that means finding a support group, church, or seeking counseling, coaching or time with good friends.

About 13 years ago, I went through a divorce. It was painful and devastating as most divorces are. But when I came out of the emotional haze, I started really analyzing what went wrong.

It came down to boundaries…. I didn’t have any, and my ex didn’t meet a boundary he couldn’t violate. I knew it was imperative that I build them. First of all, I didn’t have them in my marriage, and I didn’t have them anywhere.

Secondly, I had to form a new relationship with this person…We had children and he wasn’t going away. Finding support was the key. I found a church that had a support group based on forming boundaries and the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The support group was a game changer, not only for my relationship with my ex husband but for my relationships with others. I don’t think this would have been possible without the education and support that I took hold of during that time. I can tell you now that my ex husband and I have a great relationship. One in which my children never have to choose between their parents, and one in which I can honestly say that he and I are friends.

Step #5

It’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, or makes us uncomfortable or stressed. Since they don’t know, it’s important to assertively communicate this when a boundary is crossed. Most of the time, it is just about being direct and communicating respectfully with the other person (or yourself) so that you can work it out together.

I want to point out that there is a world of difference between being assertive and being aggressive. To hold firm to healthy boundaries it’s vital to communicate those before you feel the need to become aggressive with another individual.

Being Assertive puts forth your needs and views confidently and directly. Being assertive is simply standing up for yourself while still considering that others have different views than your own and that yours are equally important. It is becoming your own best advocate.

Aggressive behaviors can sometimes look like you’re living the life of a Neanderthal, where the biggest club is equal to the loudest voice. I’ve noticed in my own work that sometimes aggressiveness is mistaken for strength, when in fact, aggressiveness really notes a lack of control and a lack of respect for boundaries.

Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. So, if this is something new to you, I suggest starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. Build upon your success. Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support.

If you aren’t used to setting these limits with people, it can be difficult at first. Your inner people pleaser will be screaming at the top of her lungs! That’s okay. Let her scream, and start with something small.

Maybe you will want to start with your partner and block off an hour of time on the weekends where you do something completely for yourself and by yourself while he or she takes the responsibilities of the kids.

Maybe it is less threatening to start with a co-worker who is often teasing you about your healthy food choices or your vegan food choices, and you simply have a conversation with that person about not appreciating the teasing and why.

Maybe it is with your children and the amount of money you are spending on their impulse buys at the grocery store, and setting the limit before you go that you are only buying the things that are on your list and if they request something extra, you will say, “No.”

As you build confidence in this, that inner people-pleaser will stop screaming, and you can start on the bigger boundaries where you anticipate a little more push back from those around you.

– Stephanie Hamilton Aguilar, Vegan Life Coach Academy, Master Mindset Coach

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

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01 Sep 2020

Stephanie Aguilar

Going Vegan Tips, Podcast, Vegan Fitness, Vegan Lifestyle

Tags: empowerment, healthy vegan lifestyle, personal boundaries

Boundaries (The Vegan Life Coach Podcast Episode 21)

We hear the word, “boundaries” thrown around a lot, but many people lack a clear picture of what they really are, or at least why they are important.

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In this episode we dive deep into the topic of boundaries, which are key for healthy relationships. Healthy relationships have a balance of both togetherness and separateness. Boundaries really just define the lines that set us apart from those in our lives. And this is an important part of making empowered choices, both when it comes to our personal growth and daily activities as well as those choices we might make with another person.

Something that may surprise people… Boundaries are a measure of self-worth. Our self-worth has everything to do with the way that we value ourselves. And, if we have a high self-worth, if we really value ourselves, that value is NOT contingent on the feelings others have towards us. As we value ourselves less, our self-worth diminishes, and we place a much higher value on another person’s feelings toward us. We can see this play out in our values in really five different ways:

Intellectual Worth and Boundaries: I am entitled to my thoughts and opinions just as you are entitled to yours.
Emotional worth and boundaries: You are entitled to your own feelings to a given situation, as are others.
Physical worth and boundaries: You are entitled to your space, however wide it may be, as are others.
Social worth and boundaries: You are entitled to your own friends and to pursuing your own social activities, as are others.
Spiritual worth and boundaries: You are entitled to your own spiritual beliefs, as are others.

When you break it down into these five areas, it’s really easy to see where boundaries get violated as well as where they get drawn. It’s also much more clear as to what a toxic relationship, with both yourself and others, may look like.

When we talk about toxic relationships, this is often difficult to define. Toxic relationships are marked by a lack of personal boundaries or the inability to maintain those boundaries set. Healthy relationships have a balance of both togetherness and separateness. Boundaries really just define the lines that set us apart from those in our lives. This is an important part of making empowered choices, both when it comes to our personal growth and daily activities, as well as those choices we might make with another person.

We can start by creating limits on acceptable behavior from yourself as well as those around you. A healthy life is marked by good boundaries. This is because we have to create healthy boundaries in our relationships with ourselves.

Just as you would never tell your best friend she was worthless or ugly, this is a limit I encourage you to set for yourself. The feeling of discomfort when you’ve spent way over your budget… The discomfort is a signal that you’ve crossed a personal boundary. These are healthy guidelines and limits that we set for ourselves because we have established that we have self-respect and limits to our behaviors in the relationship we have with ourselves.

Three Parts to Setting Healthy Boundaries

First, have a clear understanding of what your limits are. For this it’s important to have clarity on what your values and commitments are.

Our limits are really an extension of our values and commitments. For example, one of my boundaries with my children is that they are not allowed to use my bathroom. I value time alone, and that became a pretty big issue when I became a mom. I set this physical boundary that has a big emotional impact for me. I know that I need a space that is mine because I need a break from the outside world, including my beloved kiddos.

Another boundary for me is with my co-workers. I know my tendency to be a people pleaser. I was brought up in the Midwest, and still live here today. There was no higher compliment to pay someone than to say, ”She would give you the shirt off her back,” and I know for me, I probably would. The problem came when I was fulfilling the needs of everyone, even the people at work that weren’t particularly significant in my life. I had to start saying the word, “No” to the people in my workplace. I was able to start doing this by delegating more of the duties that were simply not mine to complete, but had fallen to me because I was simply too “nice.”

Second, it is not enough to know where your limits are. You also have to communicate and maintain those limits effectively. Knowing our boundaries and setting them are two very different hurdles to overcome.

Setting boundaries does not always come easily. It’s often a skill that needs to be learned. As renowned psychologist Albert Bandura noted, much of human social learning comes from modeling behavior, so if we do not have adequate role models whose behavior we can encode through observation and later imitate, we are at a loss, often left fumbling and frustrated.

Finally, we have to come to the understanding of why this is important. I think this is the perfect phrase to define what boundaries really mean. It is ”knowing where you end and I begin.” It is that sense that there is a separateness that makes you, you, and me, me, and that if we blurr those lines of separation, we both end up unhappy and unhealthy.

In the next episode we will be giving you the exact steps you can take to effectively implement boundaries into your life and relationships… Boundaries that can empower you to start moving through the world with more confidence, joy, peace, and freedom!

-Stephanie Hamilton Aguilar, Vegan Life Coach Academy, Master Mindset Coach

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE