04 Dec 2019
Empowerment, Guest Blog Posts, Holistic Health, Vegan Lifestyle
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The New Kind of Beautiful

We live in a society obsessed with outer beauty. We are all about our Facebook image, our Instagram likes, living off complements, needing the latest fashion trends, constant dieting, the magic pill, cream, and solution to all our problems.

We get so fixed on our outer appearance that we ignore our inner soul’s cry for help. We are ignoring what matters most… Our hearts. We are in a cycle of abusing ourselves. We see the magazine covers with the airbrushed supermodels and we think, “Why don’t I look like that?” We believe there must be something wrong with us because we don’t look that way.

So we do WHATEVER it takes to try to achieve perfection. We take diet pills that poison our insides. We skip from diet to diet plan because they are too difficult and restrictive. We put ourselves down because we can’t diet and exercise our way to a “perfect” body. We constantly compare ourselves to others, making us feel like we are never good enough.

But guess what… You ARE good enough. You ARE worthy. You ARE deserving of love, happiness, and respect. If you think that those models are happy just because they are a size 0. you’re mistaken. Happiness does not come from a number on the scale. Happiness comes from within.

So who I am to be telling you all this? I am someone who was right there with you. I’m a recovering binge eater. I’m someone who hated myself for most of my life. I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough. I was disgusted with my own reflection in the mirror.

But I am now a graduate and mentor in the Plant Empowered Coaching Program. When I discovered the program, I didn’t even know it was what I needed. But it completely transformed my life.

This program is a mind, body, and soul program. It really gets to the core of the eating issues, because, news flash, disordered eating is not about food at all. The food is just the way we cope with feelings of emptiness, hurt, loss, rejection, and fear. Food is the easy part.

When I first found the program, I was totally enamored with the idea of a vegan weight loss program. I have been an ethical vegan for 12 years and vegetarian for 22 years, and finally I was finding a program that was in line with my values.

People assume vegan automatically means healthy but that’s not true. I was a junk food vegan. My passion was to help, protect, and save animals. I didn’t care about what I put in my body, as long as it wasn’t animal products.

But I quickly began to learn from the program that food is our fuel. Food is how we nourish ourselves. It gives us the strength to accomplish our goals. It supports our brains. How can we expect to think straight when we fill your bodies with candy and chips? Just like a traditional car won’t run well on canola oil, your body will not work properly without the proper sustenance. When we eat junk it makes our lives a lot more difficult because poor fuel equals poor performance of mind and body. Now, reflecting on how I used to eat, it’s so clear how negatively it poisoned my mind.

You may be wondering, “Where do I go from here? Where do I begin?

Step one is to start showing yourself some compassion. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have. If you join the program, you will be opened up to a whole new toolbox of tools. The most empowering thing about it is, it all comes from within you. You learn this for YOU. YOU take action. YOU heal yourself because you deserve the moon, the sun, and the stars, and the program coaches you through this process, one baby step at a time.

I share this all with you, not as some sort of promotion but as someone who needed an extra boost to get to where I wanted to be in my life. The Plant Empowered Coaching Program helped me get there.

My mission in life is to help others see their beauty. We all have amazing gifts and importance in this world. I want to help you realize this and shine as bright as the light you are. I now look in the mirror and say “Wow I’m incredible.” I love myself with all of my heart. I approve of myself. My focus is on love, health, and feeling my best. I invite you to join me, and it all starts inside you.

All my love- Lindsay K.

https://thehealingsensitivesoul.com/

23 Sep 2017
Holistic Health, Vegan Fitness
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From Disordered Eating to Plant-Empowered Living: Part 4

South-Beach-Culture

Part 3 of my journey left off when I was somewhere around 26 or 27 years old, managing the Flamingo Athletic Club, living it up in South Beach with my Muay Thai crew, while struggling behind closed doors with disordered eating cycles, depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and insomnia…

Boating Fun

When I put my situation out there like that you’d think I was miserable! But again, when I think back to those days a huge smile takes over my face. In the midst of inner turmoil, I just had SO MUCH FUN! As they say, I am happy I went all out and “got it out of my system” at an “appropriate” age. This could not be said for everyone.

Fast forward to today, when I was chatting with my mom about how I was able to stay grounded in the midst of the craziness. She said to me, “It’s because being vegan is who you are. No matter what you’ve been through, or how easy it can be to get caught up in “the scene”, your foundation as a vegan overpowers all else, and it’s what you have and always will go back to as your rock.” Moms know best!

Somewhere in the mix I had formed a second set of friends from the other gym I trained at. For the longest time I scoffed at most fitness classes where they used light weights and did tons of reps. I believed strongly in the effectiveness of heavy weight training… It went well with my “tough persona”. I actually felt embarrassed at the thought of trying out a class. I kept hearing about this one teacher, Lani, who had a huge following made up of such a diverse fan base that I finally had to check it out.

I hid in the back of the class and we started by doing overhead presses, to the beat of the music, for an entire song without dropping your arms. I was horrified… Everyone else seemed to be getting through it relatively easily. They were having a blast, and I couldn’t make it all the way through the song with THREE pound weights!

This experience hit my “I can do anything” nerve, and that was it. I was addicted to the class and Lani became my fitness idol. I was tough, but Lani was an alpha, ten years older, skilled trainer, super strong, and ironman finisher with self-confidence like no other.

Thanks to Lani my exercise regiment morphed into more of a functional training-based routine. Becoming functionally strong was both humbling and exhilarating. In case you aren’t familiar, functional exercises are ones that translate to movements of daily living. A squat is the perfect example of a functional exercise. How many times a day do we sit down and stand up? That’s a squat! Whereas a leg press, leg extension, or hamstring curl machine have no place in “real life”.

I also found myself oddly attracted to Lani on multiple levels. I looked up to her and admired her skill and confidence, and it morphed into what one might call a “girl crush”. It’s funny because with my Muay Thai crew, we would go out, and I would be, what my one guy friend called, “chick bait.” This meant that I would go over and start talking to hot girls. Then, my guy friends would come by and I would introduce them. On occasion the girls would end up hitting on me though, which, as you can imagine, would really piss my friends off (I thought it was hilarious)!

Ella Night Out

I was a wild, happy drunk. On crazier nights I would make out with girl-friends for fun, which would usually result in free drinks. I wasn’t sexually attracted to women on an intimate level. Kissing and playing around with other girls as part of a night out was simply part of the erotic South Beach culture. It was just fun!

With Lani it felt different though. I think it was in large part because she had such intense male energy. I started working my way up to the front of her classes. You see, she had such an intense group of followers in her class that everyone had “their spot,” and fights would literally break out when someone tried to take someone else’s spot (I’m not exaggerating!)

It took some time and a calculated strategy, but I eventually made it to the front row of class and established my own spot. Lani took notice of me. When she invited me to her birthday, I got butterflies in my stomach, something I hadn’t felt since I met my fiance years back. Lani’s birthday party marked the start of what would become a tight and complicated friendship. Attending the party also opened me up to a whole new world of people and experiences in South Beach. I could write a whole book on this chapter of my story, and maybe I will, but I will save that story for another day.

I haven’t mentioned it, but the whole time I was managing the Flamingo, I was also fitness modeling, doing personal training, and offering my services as a wellness coach who also helped people with diet. Keep in mind that many people were unsure of what vegan even meant at that time.

fitness-modelingI continued to spread the good word by maintaining a strong, lean body. Why did this work? Because women would just see me and say, “I want to look like you… How do you do it?” To which I would reply, “I’m vegan!” This would get some people veg-curious and open to learning more, while others would immediately feel threatened and write me off. Men would ask too, either because they were genuinely curious, or as a way to hit on me. It didn’t matter to me. If I got an opening to talk about being vegan, I took it.

It’s funny, because I barely remember actually training people. Why? I think it’s because people hired me because I had a body they admired. They wanted to build a strong, toned body, and they were willing to workout hard for an hour a day for it.

While they were quick to take my exercise advice, they generally had no interest in changing the way they were eating or even consider moving in the direction of a plant-based diet. My work with them therefore felt superficial. It was a temporary fix. “You can’t outrun your fork” I would relay to deaf ears. I therefore felt resentful that my work started and ended with telling people what exercises to do, counting reps, and throwing out motivating words. This job did not feel satisfying in the least.

You may be asking, “If you were so passionate about animal rights why weren’t you out there taking action and protesting?” Great question. And there is an intriguing answer coming up in Part 5!

14 Sep 2017
Holistic Health, Vegan Fitness
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From Disordered Eating to Plant-Empowered Living: Part 3

Vegan Body-Dysmorphia

I’ll start by setting the scene (where we left off from Disordered Eating to Plant-Empowered Living: Part 2)…

I was in my mid twenties, and if you had asked me back then, “Who are you, Ella?” I probably would have replied, “I’m an ethical vegan number one, and secondly I’m into vegan fitness. I run the show at the Flamingo Athletic Club, managing employees, payroll, class scheduling, and the personal training program. I’m a vegan trainer myself, and spend a lot of my time practicing Muay Thai with my MMA crew and working out. I’m single and have an awesome group of bad ass friends who I go out with and party hard. I’m “living the life” in South Beach!”vegan party girl

What I wouldn’t have told you though, was that I had an underlying yearning to be doing more for animals then just living by example as a vegan (I was the only vegan that I knew at the time). This feeling that I was not living and working my true passion triggered subconscious angst as well as a constant feeling of being unfulfilled.

At the same time, there was a part of me that knew my time to make a significant difference as a passionate vegan was coming. Although the vast majority of people had no interest in going vegan (in fact, many didn’t even know what it meant to be vegan), and very little interest in keeping an open mind to understand the benefits. I continued being vocal about my choice to be a vegan, and put tons of pressure on myself to do everything I could to prove you could be fit, healthy, and strong on plants alone. That was, at the time, the best way I could help bring veganism into the mainstream.

I also would have neglected to mention I had been struggling with chronic depression and anxiety since my teenage years. I wouldn’t have told you that I walked around all day, every day, feeling fat jiggle all over my body, and seeing love handles when I looked in the mirror (keep in mind my body fat stayed well below 10%). I knew logically that I was lean. My BMI was super low and tons of people were asking me daily how I stayed so lean. The logic, unfortunately, did not translate to how I experienced my body.

vegan fun with friendsIn addition, because of the pressure I was putting on myself to be perfect, and the body dysmorphia, I was carefully measuring and monitoring my food intake 90% of the time. Surrounded by protein-obsessed “meat-heads” and personal trainer know-it-alls, I wanted to prove you could get plenty of protein from plants. I had developed what I now call “carb-phobia” and focused on packing in the vegan protein. The other 10% of the time, as a result of the food restricting, I would give in to temptation and binge on vegan food. I remember eating an entire jar of peanut butter one night! And of course binging triggers intense feelings of guilt, shame, and so the cycle continued and I’d be back to restricting to make up for the binging.

Another issue I was facing was that I had developed insomnia over the previous few years. The condition had been getting worse and worse until it got to the point I could never fall asleep without the use of either self-prescribed drugs and alcohol, or hard core sleeping meds the doctor prescribed.vegan mma fighter

The insomnia was, I now believe, caused in part by hormone imbalances that I was creating by my eating and exercise habits, and in part by the stress caused by the pressure i was putting on myself. Stress increases cortisol levels… It’s supposed to. But extra cortisol production is meant to occur in short bursts during times of extreme stress. I had created a system in which I was basically stressed and anxious all the time which created chronically high cortisol levels.

My insomnia was aggrevated by the chronic hightened cortisol. Cortisol levels are supposed to drop in the evening to allow you to fall asleep. When cortisol drops, production of melatonin increases to also help you maintain a regluar sleep cycle. I had destroyed this intricate system. I knew I was in trouble when I decided to experiment and see how long it would take me to get some sleep without the help of meds… 8 days later I was such a zombie I gave up, and I do NOT give up on anything easily!

Looking back, it seems like somewhat of a miracle that I was functioning at all, much less enjoying life. But the truth is, that despite the inner turmoil, I still see those years in my 20s as incredible and unregretable. I was free to explore ME, on my own. As many “issues” as I had, I felt fortunate to be where I was, having started off my life in South Beach with a bad break-up that left me homeless and jobless with only a suitcase to my name!

Muay Thai Vegan Practitioner

The positives: Since moving to Miami I had found another passion (Muay Thai), worked my way up the ladder to a decent job that afforded me a decent apartment, formed several different groups of kick ass friends, taken full advantage of the SoBe party scene, and explored different layers of me as a human being. 

The not-so-positives: I had developed disordered eating habits and body dysmorphia that felt all-consuming at times. I had horrible insomia and couldn’t sleep without drugs and/or alcohol. I was dealing with depression, anxiety, and an overall feeling of unfulfillment. I used Muay Thai as my sole form of “therapy” which meant I felt I was “tough” enough to handle what was going on inside me without sharing.

Can you believe it took me over 12 years to “come out” and talk about my struggles? Being the seriously determined individual I am though, I did not sit by idyl, allowing my life to spin out of control. I’m a problem-solver, and I had quite a number of problems I wanted to solve.

Behind my persistence was a primal drive to be the best person I could be. I had a mission that was far from being fulfilled. I just needed to take care of ME first, so that I could put all my energy into saving animals…

To be continued!

09 Sep 2017
Holistic Health, Vegan Fitness
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From Disordered Eating to Plant-Empowered Living: Part 2

Ella-Body-Dysmorpia

Part 2 of my journey starts in my college years, where the diet mentality kicks in and disordered eating starts to snowball out of control…

Part 2: Journey into Diet La-La Land

[If you haven’t read PART 1 of my multi-part “From Disordered Eating to Empowered Living” series, I invite you to start there.] During my senior year in college at UNC-Wilmington, I became addicted to exercise and ephedra… What a combo! I would take “Diet Fuel” pills and get all my studying done while doing cardio at the local Gold’s Gym.Me at Gold's Gym college years

It was at that gym that I met my later-to-be fiance. Unlike the other boyfriends I had during college, Brent had his shit together. He was several years older than me and owned a gym consulting company. When I graduated, I started working with Brent. Life and gym became synonymous. We would travel to different gyms for 3 months at a time doing consulting work and membership drives.

Ella and Brent

Having an awesome body is the best advertising for anyone working in the fitness industry. Knowing that, I started taking my workouts to the next level. As my workouts became more intense, I started experimenting with my food intake.

Being an ethical vegan, there was never a thought of eating anything but plants, but there were plenty of ways to create dietary “rules” even as a vegan. Vegan protein shakes, consuming tons of soy and legumes, and cutting out grains was do-able. In the tradition of the fitness buff persona, I experimented with being super strict 6 days, and allowing myself one “cheat day” per week. This is a totally “normal” dietary routine for bodybuilders, figure, and fitness competitors, Even though I wasn’t competing at the time, my desire for the “perfect body” was becoming stronger.

My lifestyle supported my obsession with diet and exercise, so I did not look at my habits as problematic. Everyone else was doing it (in their omnivore way) and I felt I fit in. It’s funny because I had spent the previous 8 years emphatic about NOT getting married. All of a sudden though, my life had become so enmeshed with my boyfriend’s and with our work, I started to think marriage wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Ella Disordered Eating Image

So Brent and I ended up getting engaged, and moving to Miami to open up a new line of women’s health clubs. It didn’t take long for shit to hit the fan… but that’s a juicy story for a different day. Let’s just say we split on bad terms and I all of a sudden found myself in the heart of South Beach without a job and with literally a suitcase to my name.

What came next seems like a whirlwind looking back. Setting the scene, let’s take it back 20 years… I was a 2-year old who was so determined I fought to put on my own diapers. When I was 6, I gave a strong case as to why I should be allowed to drive a car. Needless to say, no matter how upset I was about the break-up, there was no way I was bailing on Miami to take refuse back home in North Carolina.

Long story short, I crashed on my friend’s couch in the huge condo “commune” called the Flamingo in South Beach. Thousands of people lived in this community, ranging from professionals to drug dealers and porn stars. If you ask anyone who has been in Miami Beach for a long time, chances are they started out at the Flamingo. It was in a perfect location right on the bay, with pools, docks, markets, and a super nice gym. So I finagled my way into a job at the gym, starting as a front desk attendant and quickly moving up the chain until I landed the Fitness Director position, pretty much running the show!Muay Thai Vegan Practitioner

During that time I also caught the attention of an MMA world champ, Pat, who was teaching classes at the gym. It was like he could see right through me. No matter what tough front I put on, he saw my emotional weakness and took me under his wing as my Muay Thai coach.

vegan muay thai shins

Pat’s teaching methods were unconventional, though I wasn’t really aware at the time. You see, he didn’t believe in sparring gear. He believed in learning to block punches  and kicks by being punched and kicked enough that blocking became a reflex pretty damn quickly! If you know Muay Thai though, you know that shin on shin blocking is no fun for either party. I took to the training quickly. No amount of physical pain could compete with the emotional pain I was in. Muay Thai became my form of moving meditation. When sparring, I had no choice but to be present in the moment. If my mind wandered, I paid for it! Needless to say it did not wander much after the first few weeks.

Muay Thai Crew

For the first time since high school, I had discovered a sport I could practice with a group of passionate people who became a family to me. In many ways, the next several years of my life were the most exhilarating years of my life. Hangin’ with a group of fighters who ruled South Beach… how could it not? We partied it up and trained hard core. I practically lived at the gym (I had rented a studio at the Flamingo as soon as I had the money).

Vegan party girl

As incredible as those years were, there was a dark side to my life I was not apt to share with anyone. I had taken the feeling of being powerless over my break-up, and found a sense of control through food and exercise. I was working out like crazy between the Muay Thai, classes at Crunch gym, weight lifting, and cardio.

The purpose of the cardio at that time was to burn calories. I wanted to be leaner, but couldn’t see how l  lean I already was. I looked in the mirror and saw fat that simply wasn’t there. I was happiest when my stomach was empty and flat. I measured my oatmeal, set timers to let me know when I was “allowed” to eat, and picked at salads when going out to eat.

Looking back, I qualify myself as experiencing body dysmorphia and disordered eating at that time because my thoughts and anxiety around my body and food felt all-consuming. Whether or not I would have been officially diagnosed as having an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder I don’t know because I was not sharing what was going on in my head… And really, who cares. I have no desire to be labeled. It was what it was and, spoiler alert, there’s ultimately a happy end to this story!

Young Fitness Model

At one point I decided to play a game with myself to see if I could drop below 100 pounds. Now that you know more about me, you can probably guess… I won! I remember getting on the scale, seeing 99 pounds, and feeling proud of my achievement. How I was able to maintain a body fat percentage that couldn’t even be measured with calipers, and workout as hard as i did, I really have no idea. But again, leave it to me to prove I could defy the odds!

On that note, I am going to press pause on my story. Part 3 is coming soon, so stay tuned! (If you want to be notified when I publish my posts make sure to sign up to receive my newsletter.)

05 Sep 2017
Going Vegan Tips, Holistic Health, Vegan Fitness
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From Disordered Eating to Plant-Empowered Living: Part 1

Kick Disordered Eating Out

The time to share my journey from disordered eating to plant-empowered living has come! 

Part 1: Intro

I’m ready to come clean…

Disordered Eating Vegan

What you are about to read is Part 1 (an introduction) to the multi-part “coming out” series I am going to be sharing with you over the next few weeks. I will be telling you parts of my journey that I’ve never shared openly before. I’m thrilled that I am in a place in life where I’m able and willing to get REAL and RAW, which means being transparent about the struggles that have made me who I am today!

Up until recently, I put A LOT of pressure on myself to be the shining example of a fit, healthy (physically and emotionally) vegan. It’s been my mission to bring veganism into the mainstream for over 20 years, and up until recently, the misinformation about plant-based nutrition, and the stereotypes about vegans in general, were so intense I purposefully made it my job to focus on only positives.

I’ve been vegan 22 years (vegetarian 30 years), and in large part, when I got sick or didn’t feel well, people were quick to blame it on my vegan diet. As ridiculous as that is, (I mean really, how many omnivores get sick and don’t feel well sometimes… ummm… everyone!), I did everything in my power not to give people any reason to associate anything negative with being vegan. I felt this is what I needed to do to help the most people become motivated and inspired to make the transition to a vegan lifestyle.I felt my own personal struggles were irrelevant, since they had nothing to do with me being vegan, and everything to do with my mental and emotional health.

Well, times have changed, and so have I!

Jump ahead to 2016 for a moment (don’t worry, I will be sharing all the juicy details about my years of disordered eating shortly)…

Last year I began a new chapter in my life and career. I created and launched my first online coaching program, making it possible to coach people all over the world through a structured process for transitioning to a fit vegan lifestyle. This was also exciting for me because it was an opportunity to finally put my counseling skills (from my Master’s in Social Work) to use. The program is holistic in that we work on nutrition, fitness, and emotional health together, since each affects the others.

The program also gave me a great deal of insight into the issues people face on their journeys to simply be healthy and happy. One such issue includes different types of disordered eating. The diet mentality, and the pressure society puts on us to have the “perfect body”, is so ingrained in our culture, that most of us have totally lost touch with our innate ability to eat without trying to follow self-imposed “rules” that dictate what, when, and how much food we consume. If you really stop and think about this concept, it’s mind blowing!

Countless people, who understand logically that diets don’t work, feel totally lost without a “diet” to follow. Most are also fearful that they will lose control of the shape of their bodies without self-imposed dietary rules. They are scared of “getting fat” and/or losing muscle. These fears are heightened when switching to eating plants exclusively since this usually means more carbs and less protein (in this carb-phobic protein-obsessed world in which we live)!

Disordered eating story

These disordered eating issues are certainly not exclusive to omnivores. Although I’ve been plant-exclusive for my entire teenage and adult life, I too have struggled with disordered eating and an impaired body image. I could truly relate to these people I was coaching.

It has been a long, agonizing journey for me to come to terms with, and work through, my disordered eating issues. At one point in my twenties I played the, “how lean can I get” game, in a subconscious attempt to gain control of my life. I am strong and lean at 120ish pounds, so can you imagine what I was like at 99 pounds? Looking back at photos is quite terrifying to me now.

In fact, as healthy as I am now, I consider myself in recovery still, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I continue to feel I’m “recovering” for the rest of my life. To me, this simply means I am empowered to continue to practice existing and new tools for emotional growth to which there is no ceiling. It also means I couldn’t be more excited to be launching my new Plant-Empowered Coaching Program. Here the focus is learning to eat consciously, mindfully, and intuitively as part of building a PLANT-strong body, heart, and mind.

My purpose for sharing my story, and putting my heart into this coaching program, is to empower people with similar disordered eating issues to “come out” and get the help they need to become PLANT-Empowered too!

I invite you to stay tuned for Part 2 of my story. I dive into what went on behind closed doors all the years I was drowning in my own diet hell…