Today’s episode is sure to be a favorite because we are talking about sex! And because we have a very special co-host with us, Tammy Greene.
Stephanie couldn’t be here today so Tammy is filling in. Tammy is one of our coaches at Vegan Life Coach Academy, and she’s also a relationship expert. Tammy has her degree in child development. She’s a certified vegan life coach. She’s the founder of the blog and podcast, Married and Naked.
Today, Tammy and I are talking about, drum roll please, sex. That’s right! And in particular how to increase your libido. We cover everything from the shame that many of us feel for the different levels of drive and desire, to effective ways to communicate with your partner, as well as some fun games to play with your partner.
Before we jump into our episode today, I have to tell you that we are in the middle of open enrollment for Vegan Life Coach Academy! We launch on Saturday with a huge celebration, so make sure to get in now. Doors close this Friday, July 31st at 11:59 PM. Click here to find out more information and join today.
So let’s jump into today’s episode. It all started with a supplement called Horny Goat Weed, which is a supplement that is supposed to increase your libido. During the Burpees and Greens Challenge I was live on camera and I showed participants what I was putting in my drink and they went crazy. So many people were asking where they could find it, and commented that they needed it. It opened my eyes to how big of an issue this is, how silenced it is, how much we hide it, and how shameful it can feel.
One of the top questions Tammy gets from her clients is: how do I increase my libido? And she wasn’t surprised by the response I got from sharing my Horny Goat Weed. She said, “We are sexual beings, sex is a big part of our life and our existence and we all want good sex lives.”
Which leads us to ask the question how do we go about getting good sex and how do we go about understanding the differences that we can have from our partner?
Tammy points out that so much of it has to do with desire. There are definite distinct differences between men and women, as well as between same sex partners. And having a different level of desire than your partner is completely normal. The most important thing to understand is just because your desire level is lower than your partner’s, doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. And so often we can feel like because we can’t keep up with our partner and don’t have the same desire, that something has got to be wrong with us. But for most of us, there’s absolutely nothing wrong and we are completely normal. We have to learn to love ourselves through that, accept that part about ourselves, and realize there is nothing wrong with us. We’re just different from our partner. And that’s okay.
Tammy has been married for almost 22 years and that issue has been at the forefront of her relationship for the majority of their marriage.
“I think one of the issues that a lot of couples have is that the person with the higher drive can really dominate that sex conversation. And it can often lead to women specifically feeling a lot of shame for their seemingly low desire levels. And they carry that feeling with them that something’s wrong with them. It’s really hard to get past those feelings of shame in order to find your way to feeling sexy.”
Shame is an issue we deal with a lot at Vegan Life Coach Academy, and oftentimes we don’t actually call it that to ourselves. We don’t realize that, shame is what is going on. And I’m so glad that we are talking about it today because I believe shame surrounding a decreased libido and sex drive doesn’t get talked about often enough.
“It is so vital that we come together and share our experiences. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to come from a place of understanding and accepting ourselves and our differences rather than judging them. Judgment can be incredibly harmful to our psyches. And of course, it’s going to hurt our sex drives,” Tammy says.
The importance of communicating about sex is vital.
According to Tammy talking about sex can feel very awkward and very embarrassing. “We each carry our own sexual history forward into relationships. So it’s really difficult to do, but being able to talk about it is so important and the more, and more, and more, and more you can talk about it, the less awkward it becomes, the deeper you can go and the more you can learn about each other.”
And creating opportunities to talk about it is also vital. Tammy doesn’t recommend doing so in the heat of the moment but her and her spouse use date nights to open up the conversation. They take sexy questions and use them as conversation starters to ask one another fun questions. “It really opens the doors for us to learn more about each other and have fun with it.”
When I asked Tammy to give us a tip or two as we closed out the episode, she had this advice to give:
“One of the best ways and one of the fun ways to increase desire is to be more playful in the bedroom to not take it all so seriously. I know it is a serious topic, but to kind of loosen up and have some fun. And that’s one of the things that. My husband I really like to do is we just do a variety of games on date night.”
I couldn’t agree more. One of the mantras that I carry into the Vegan Life coach Academy with me is: play life like a game. And I say that, not because I am great at it, but because I’m not as great at it, as I want to be. I say it all the time and it really does help me. It helps me pause, take a deep breath, and realize that what is the point of stressing about everything? The anxiety, none of that does us any good. So play life like a game, then bring it into the bedroom!
Tammy and I hope that this episode encourages you to begin opening up a conversation with your partner about the things we discussed today. Don’t put so much pressure on it, and begin to get curious and playful.
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Ella Magers, MSW
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