Burn-Out, Insomnia, Psychedelics & More [An Intimate Share💖]

This will be the last time you hear from me in a while, and so I’ve taken some time to share a very intimate account of why I’m putting everything on the line!


Before I share the letter I’ve written to myself, which serves as a real and raw account of my current state of being and the journey I’m on, I want to express my deepest gratitude to you, my dear friends, family, colleagues, clients, and audience/followers/supporters, who continue to love and support me as I navigate this extraordinary phase of my life.

I realize that my choices affect all of you.

I want you to know that I have dug deep, and believe strongly enough that the decisions I’m making are for the greater good… Not only for my own health and wellbeing, but also for the benefit of all the people in my life, and ultimately all beings on Earth and the Planet itself. 

In the forward of the book, Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, by David R. Hawkins, Fran Grace, PhD, states in the forward,

We learn that the answer to the problems we face is within us. By letting go of the inner blocks to it the truth of our inner self shines forth and the path to peace is revealed.

Other spiritual teachers have emphasized the cultivation of inner peace as the only real solution to personal difficulties as well as collective conflicts. “Inner disarmament first, then outer discernment,” the Dalai Lama. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” Gandhi. The implication is clear because we are all part of the whole. 

When we heal something in ourselves, we heal it for the world. Each individual consciousness is connected to the collective consciousness at the energetic level. Therefore personal healing emerges collective healing…. 

The crucial point is, by changing ourselves we change the world. As we become more loving on the inside, healing occurs on the outside, much like the rising of the sea level lifts all ships, so the radiance of unconditional love within a human heart lifts all of life. 

It is with this philosophy in mind and heart that I am taking what I’m calling a soul-full sabbatical over the next 7 weeks… A personal journey, detox, and adventure that may be both the most challenging, and the most enlightening experience of my entire life. 

I wrote the following letter to myself after having a session with internationally recognized Spiritual Channel, Laura Mirante, who channeled my higher self. 

I have decided to share this letter with you because it is an exercise I recommend to everyone who is ready to explore what it means to live in the light of unconditional love (which includes self-love). 

The letter is largely quoted wisdom imparted by my higher self (yes, you read that right!), which came through Laura during the channeling session. 

As I told my friend, Anne, after a text conversation in which she wrote, “Well you have gone wise on me💖,” to which I responded, “My higher self got channeled, and it turns out my higher self is quite wise😜 (for real – I bawled and bawled listening, and transcribed it and am reading it over and over – it’s insane).” 

If I’ve, “lost you,” by sharing what most people would coin “woo-woo,” I get it! It was not long ago I would have poo-pooed such a seemingly crazy concept (channeling).

The past couple years however, my focus, in regards to spiritual growth, has been on discovering the things I don’t know I don’t know. And the only way to open the doors to such knowledge is to release the notion that the reality we’ve always assumed to be the truth is nothing but an illusion. 

Our perceived reality is made up of programs that were installed when we were young. These subconscious programs create a certain lens through which we view this 3D world that we live in. We truly are living in a matrix, and the coolest part is that with the right tools, we can change our programming, and in turn write a new story for our lives.

Quantum physics (the science behind the Law of Attraction) is so profound because it proves that everything and everyone is made up of pure energy, and we have the power to consciously co-create our lives through our beliefs, thoughts, and emotions (aka vibrations).

It wasn’t until after spending a great deal of time studying the field of quantum physics that I was able to scrap the whole “woo-woo” judgment. When I did, it became clear that I had only begun to scrape the surface of self-discovery and true healing

I was suddenly able to tap into what’s possible when one’s consciousness expands in the absence of the need to be right, and the battle to be in control (or rather one’s perception of control, which actually keeps us in a state of anxiety and overwhelm… the opposite of in control)!


For those unfamiliar with my story, I invite you to read the blog series I released in 2015 HERE.


At the onset of 2022, in many ways I felt like I was in flow.

Physically, I was having a blast challenging my body in new ways, working toward advanced calisthenics moves (like press handstands, muscle-ups, and levers) while improving my mobility and advancing my boxing skills. 

At 41 years old, I was in the best shape of my life. 

And the best part was that the coaches and communities I was training with were in alignment with the energetic and spiritual path I was on (which is no surprise given the laws of quantum mechanics).

Career-wise, the Universe had aligned and connected me with Icons Incorporated, the founder of whom is an avid animal-lover. Kathryn saw in me the potential to make waves around the world with my passion and my voice. We partnered, built my new website, ellamagers.com, and began co-creating ground-breaking programming that will be launching this summer.

I had built a fabulous team at Sexy Fit Vegan, and although it was a time of transition, moving away from previous business models, I was proud of the content we were putting out and our audience was quickly growing. Plus, I had the fortune of realigning with my animal advocacy roots by co-creating the Solutionary Vegan LEVEL-UP Podcast (you can follow us on Instagram)! 

Spiritually, I was on a path of exponential learning and growth. I engulfed myself in education on quantum physics. My favorite show was “Interviews with Extra-Dimensionals” on GaiaTV. 

I watched documentary after documentary, and listened to podcasts and lectures, learning from iconic spiritual and thought leaders like Nassim Haramein, Thich Nhat Hanh, Theresa Bullard, Terence McKenna, Ram Dass, Matias De Stefano, David Icke, Gregg Braden, Lynne McTaggart, Bruce Lipton, and Joe Dispenza, to name a few.

I began practicing breathwork and meditation, and experimenting with micro and macro-dosing of psilocybin as a tool for expanding my consciousness. My alcohol consumption dropped to almost none. 

It was at this time that I reconnected with a friend who had been on a similar spiritual path for much longer than me. There weren’t many people in my life at that time with whom I could have deep conversations about all of the things I was exploring, so it was invigorating for me to spend time with someone who “got it.”

We talked about all things self-discovery, as well as the ways of the Universe, quantum physics, and psychedelics. I shared with him that part of the work I was doing on myself was removing my emotional “walls”… walls that have made it difficult for me to make deep connections and achieve intimate relationships with other humans for most of my life… walls that I have been chipping away at for years. 

If I had to guess the reasons I built the walls, I’d guess there are two main reasons…

#1: I spent my whole childhood, in those years that are most crucial in the creation of our subconscious programs, being an outlier, seeing the world through a very different lens than just about everyone in my life. I saw animals as deserving of the same rights to life, happiness, and freedom as humans. 

It was like I could feel the extreme pain of the trillions of farmed animals who were suffering every second of every day, and it broke my heart (and still does). It was devastating to come to understand that few people were willing to open their hearts and minds enough to change their habits. 

#2: In college, I worked as an exotic dancer. At 18 years old, when most university-going girls were going to college parties, exploring their sexuality in teenage kind of ways, I was working nights as an entertainer. Walls were undoubtedly necessary to stay safe on every level. I dated drug dealers, one of whom ended up in jail, another who was murdered – stabbed to death. 

I found that, with this friend, who had his own colorful past, the walls quickly started dissolving the more time we spent together. I experienced my heart opening in ways I had never known. 

It was like I could feel the “oneness” after a lifetime of feeling mostly separateness when it came to other human beings. 

This feeling of oneness is something I have felt with nature and animals for my entire life. And now I got a taste of the feeling with another person.

In many ways however, my friend was a reflection of me. He (self-admittedly) had emotional walls up as well. Only his walls felt even stronger than mine. And his walls were not dissolving, at least not with me.


Following a lot of research on psychedelics, I found myself being called to experience the world’s strongest psychedelic, DMT. 

First, however, I needed to get off antidepressants, which I had been on since I was 16 years old.

In line with my proclivity to impatience, I weaned myself off the antidepressants in a much shorter timeline than recommended, and under no supervision (those who know me well won’t be surprised to learn this!).

And on a DMT trip I went.

For me, the DMT experience was remarkable in that it brought to life a lot of the spiritual concepts I’d been studying. It helped me see this world as the matrix it is, and helped me conceptualize the idea that we have the opportunity to play life like a game. 

Following the DMT, I began experiencing life both from an elevated level of consciousness AND without the chemical aid of antidepressants. I realized that I was navigating my thoughts and emotions from a totally unfamiliar place. 

At the same time, the relationship with my friend had shifted, and I was navigating this new terrain without the comfort of the connection with my friend. It was confusing, and in a lot of ways, I felt more alone than ever. 


It was also around this time a few more circumstances transpired, creating a perfect storm.

First, I realized that the burn-out I’d been fighting for quite some time, was something I could no longer ignore. It had been many years since I had taken more than 1 day off from work, much less taken a real vacation. I was working 6-7 days a week, 10-14 hours a day.

My creativity dwindled. I got up at my typical 4:44 AM every morning, and when I got to my computer, the overwhelm set in. It got to the point where I found myself staring blankly at the screen, feeling paralyzed. 

And second, I injured my spine and could not continue the training I had been doing so intentionally and with so much inspiration and joy. My training was by far my antidepressant drug of choice.

It felt like the fabric that was my wellbeing was quickly unraveling. I’d managed to sew patch after patch onto the underside of the fabric, which held me together for some time. 

From the outside, the fabric continued to look strong and aesthetic. Underneath however, it was scrappy, messy… It was coming undone. 

In the last few weeks, it seemed like I began finally feeling the effects of the antidepressant prescription medications being totally out of my system. 

Things got dark.

I began to experience a whole hell of a lot of emotions bubbling to the surface. 

There have been countless tears, and many times when I’ve said to myself, “I know this is all a game (life)… I’m just not feeling up for playing the game anymore.”

I feel like I’ve been hanging on by a thread these last few weeks.

I am determined to get through this without the crutch of getting back on the antidepressants (despite gentle nudges from certain friends and family encouraging me to consider the possibility), which means I’m choosing the much more difficult path. 

Ha! SO like me!!

However, I truly believe that doing my best to navigate life antidepressant medication-free is the path that will remove whatever it is in my subconscious that is keeping me from taking myself, my life, and my influence/business to the next level. 

So, being the proactive person I am (and with the awareness that I’m staying in line with my ego’s inclination to take action toward my goals), I have decided that what I need is to take a sabbatical of sorts…

With the total support of my business partners, team, family, and friends, I will be taking 7 weeks off from work and life as I know it. 


I will be traveling to the jungles of Peru for a 12-day authentic ayahuasca retreat the first part of June. 

For those 12 days there will be ZERO communication with the outside world. No cell phone. No social media. No email. An opportunity to be fully present and focused on discovery, healing, and transcendence.

As challenging as 12 days in the Amazon without any contact with the outside world, including 6 plant-medicine ceremonies, will be, I believe the toughest part is what I’ll be doing (or rather what I WON’T be doing) leading up to the retreat.

Now, for the most challenging part of all… the part that only my closest family and friends will witness in real time (I’ll share about it with everyone else after the fact)… 

I’m talking about the detox that starts on May 2. 

In preparation for the Ayahuasca retreat, I will be halting all use of cannabis for the one month leading up to the trip. 

It was thanks to cannabis that I was able to remove prescription sleeping pills from my life many years ago. 

I’ve suffered from extreme insomnia for 20 years. Insomnia is the crux of my existence… my greatest barrier to becoming my healthiest self.

To try to “fix” my insomnia issue, as a “doer,” you name it, I’ve tried it… From meditation and breathwork, to yoga, acupuncture, and supplements of all kinds. 

I’ve read the books, and I practice good sleep hygiene, and yet my body hasn’t cooperated. I haven’t succeeded at finding the “off” switch… figuring out how to facilitate the shift from consciousness to unconsciousness, from awake to asleep, without the aid of a drug (cannabis being my sleeping aid of choice).

The last time I gave sleep a shot without medication was well over 10 years ago. I went 8 days with just about no sleep. I turned into a zombie. I could no longer function and gave up (SO unlike me) returned to medication.

So… Here I go again!

I am doing my best to stay positive and hopeful that this experience will be different. At the same time, I feel the need to prepare for dealing with sleep-deprivation, including warning my close family and friends about the challenges I’ll be facing (and by proxy, the challenges they’ll face as people who love and care about me).

One thing I know is that as terrible as it is to not be able to sleep, the idea of continuing to rely on anything outside myself to be well, without going on this new venture, is worse.

In the two weeks leading up to the retreat, there is more detoxing to do.

In addition to cannabis, I’ll also be avoiding alcohol, sexual activiy of all kind, pscilicybin, spicy foods, ice, ice cold drinks, refined sugars, processed foods, sweets, chocolate, oils, carbonated drinks, fermented foods, and caffeine. (Avoiding most animal products/by products is also part of the protocol which of course have not been part of my lifestyle for decades.)

The recommendation is to continue the same recommendations for at least 2 weeks following the retreat as well.


I’m thrilled that I will be traveling to Hogs & Kisses Farm Sanctuary during the two weeks leading up to the retreat (follow us on Instagram if you’re not already)! 

I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to go help out with the animals and help celebrate the one year anniversary of when we opened our barn doors.

As you’ll read in more detail in my letter, my higher self made clear the fact that, 

The animals teach me how to be me… 

They teach me what it’s like to be intuitively inspired to be.
That’s why it feels so good, because they’re real. 

My fascination, my focus, my connection with nature is so much more than my mind has allowed me to know yet…

Saving the planet sounds like a worthy effort. 

Saving the animals feels like I’m saving a part of my soul.

So thanks to Anne Molina (founder), I get to have a more direct outlet and hands-on opportunity to nourish my soul. The timing couldn’t be better.


So there you have it!

Once again, I want to thank you in advance, for all your patience and understanding as I navigate through this time of extreme transformation and growth. 

For me, it all goes back to becoming the best version of myself so that I can ultimately make the biggest positive impact on the lives of animals who are suffering by the billions. 

My WHY keeps me going, and I’m so grateful for all of you, for believing in me and supporting me every step of the way.  

I can’t wait to share with you what transpires during my sabbatical.

See you at the end of June!

Dearest Ella,

I am super excited you’re here, at the precipice of major change, and you’re about to dive in deep because you know it’s worth it. 

You have what you need, even though you’re not even sure what you need, but be assured, the knowledge will unfold, and you will teach what you learn. 

You understand that you do not yet have the control of your mind that you know is possible.  

I know you believe you are open minded, but a truly open mind has no inclination to think it can completely understand any of it. It has no desire to set a plan. 

So where you thought you were open minded, you’ve actually been shutting the door with all of your ideas of what you should do, and what you should be. 

It’s time to listen to yourself… your inner you, not “idea you.” Idea you is full of it… full of ideas, full of insights and thoughts about what people need.

Yet, how could you possibly know what other people need when you’re still exploring who you are, how you work here in this reality, as a soul inhabiting a physical body, directed by a logical mind, programmed by fear-based generations, stuck in angry patterns of shame and guilt, remorse and regret.

You don’t embody all of those negative patterns, but you are a part of the collective psyche. You don’t shy away from the truth. And you’re feeling the need to address all of these energies in you. 

You are ready to embody the true healing process. 

There’s no standard outline for this. 

That’s what you’re gonna see at the retreat center… How important it is to honor how unique we all are. 

There’s no wrapping this up in a nice neat package. We’re more than that. 

Marketing has disempowered our unique expression of being. Our mental capacity to embody our divinity is negatively impacted by all of the compartmentalizing we do, by all of the categories we put people in. 

You’re a unique soul. Sometimes things that work for other people work for you. And sometimes they don’t. And you’re learning there’s not one stock answer for any of this. 

Your body is the vehicle for your soul. Your soul is pure energy – divine awareness. 

And the animals teach you how to be you.

They teach you what it’s like to be intuitively inspired to be. That’s why it feels so good, because they’re real. They’re not edited. They’re not distracted. They’re focused on being authentic, just simply perfectly what they are inspired to be in the moment. 

Animals don’t plan the next moment, the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, the next decade, or the entire lifetime. They know better. 

Your fascination, your focus, your connection with nature is so much more than your mind has allowed you to know yet.

Saving the planet sounds like a worthy effort. Saving the animals feels like you’re saving a part of your soul.

But could there be more? Could it be that loving animals, having compassionate experiences on their behalf heals you? 

Of course it does. You already know that. 

So maybe, looking to save the animals is actually your soul’s way of healing you, which takes everything and shifts it. 

Because for a while, you thought you were doing something for someone outside of you. And it turns out that ultimately it all comes back to you. 

What does that mean? 

It means that there’s more going on here than you’ve figured out yet. And as you go through the healing process, you’re going to accumulate a lot of tools, a serious amount of awareness to process through, and realizations that will benefit everybody you work with going forward. 

This retreat will help you prepare to give yourself your fullest potential in a way that truly changes people and brings them into alignment with a completely authentic expression of their souls… And that’s your purpose of being. 

You’re here, now, confronting your ideas. You’re confronting your ego’s need to feel like you have a plan. 

You started the ball rolling. And now it’s rolling downhill and it’s building momentum, but you’ve lost control. 

This retreat is you stepping out of the way of it. This is your opportunity to learn, to breathe, and focus on nothing else but your breath.

Give yourself the grace you need to go forward. 

You are not alone in this effort. You are not alone in the resistance. When you fight your own efforts at attaining a state of mind, of calm, it’s not just you that you’re battling for.

It’s vital that you remember that. 

You don’t know them yet – the people I’ll be working with in the future – but you’re already taking up arms on their behalf.

Pay attention to the ego’s resistance to letting go. Because when you surrender into your soul, many will follow. That’s something you’ve always known deep down. It’s something your loved ones know. It’s something your team knows. It’s something your new business partner knows.

You’re excited to learn more about who you are. 

And be aware of the pattern, that in your times of self-doubt, when you see that when another person recognizes the power in you, you tend to give them authority over you.

Pause and release.

Know this… You have a brilliant potential, a brilliant energy of purpose that will affect many going forward when you are in alignment with the highest frequency expression of you. And only you can establish that in you,  and for you, to develop a state of being that serves humanity. 

So you’ll take this trip to Peru.

You’ll build your resource center and establish a state of mind of humility in service to your higher awareness. 

See every effort of your ego to control in thought the direction of your experience as an offense to your soul.

I invite you to stand in a state of neutrality until that offensive effort is diminished and dismissed.

Stand up for your soul. Fight the collective pattern in the human psyche that over-develops the material-oriented ego aspect of self. 

That’s you being the change. That’s what this is all about. If you can just understand that if you embody neutrality, you are the change necessary, and everything else will be available to you in neutrality of thought. You can get that. You can work with that. 

You can take the intensity out of each thought by knowing there’s something more… by knowing there’s a field of higher awareness available to you, beyond the limits of those thoughts. 

That practice will become your pattern. That patterning will create in you a consistent, intuitive, inspirational flow of purpose, direction, and intent to be. 

That’s you in a nutshell – a vehicle for the divine energy of purpose. 

And if you let go of thinking that you can think of what to do with that, you can be it. 


Your Higher Self